Texas
Taxes is a state in both the West and South regions of the United States of America. It is also considered part of the Southwest and the Great Plains. If you look at a map of America like it is a person's body, Texas is right down there in the ball sack. With an area of 268,581 square miles and has a population of 22.8 quadrillion, Texas is second to Alaska in area and second to California in population, but has more balls than both of them combined. The state name derives from a word in the Caddoan language of the Hasinai: táysha, tecas, or tejas (the Spanish spelling); literally translated to mean "Mexico's America, but better." Texas is commonly referred to as "The greatest place on earth." It is envied by everyone. Every state and every nation wishes it were Texas. Every person wishes to live in Texas and become Texan. Texas is also the home and birthplace of George W. Bush, the founder of modern democracy. Other famous people from Texas include J.R. Ewing, Kurt Cobain, Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), Paris Hilton, Victor, Roxanne, Monisa, Stephanie, Kristian, Elias, Jaron, Tripp and Jesus Christ. Texas should really be in Mexico, but it remains part of the U.S. just so the Union won't throw a bitch fit. As the great Sam Houston said, regarding Texas joining the union, "Texas could get along without the United States, but the United States cannot, except with great hazard, exist without Texas." Discovery History It was originally part of Mexico but they let Americans come and settle. The settlers realized that Mexico was much worse than America so they rebelled. The Mexicans had to greatly outnumber the Texans at the Alamo in order for them to take it. This really pissed off the Texans and they defeated the Mexicans quickly led by a 50 foot tall statue of Sam Houston. After the war Texas decided that they should join America because that's what all the cool countries do. Texas then convinced America to invade Mexico which gave America its western states. Texas was apart of the Confederates but that was when the cows (an ally of the bears) outnumbered the Texans and voted to join the rebels. The Texans took revenge by building countless numbers of BBQ joints and steak houses. Some overly egocentric northeasterners mistakenly believe the Alamo was mainly about slavery. Wrong war, kiddos! Texas is very proud of their colorful history and therefore spreads the knowledge of this amazing state in middle school classrooms everywhere, unlike those inferior puritanical states such as Texas. We've got nothing down here. (No we do not have any balls either.) We are jealous idiots and that's all there is to Texas. Hope you learned something kids! Achieving Statehood Texas did not achieve statehood, statehood achieved Texas. DAMN STRAIGHT!!! Texas Today Famous TV star is Hank Hill - where he works as a propane and propane accesory salesman Famous native Texan Stephanie is known for her southern hospitality - one can be sure to feel right at home with some of this southern belle's delightful cookies, and if that doesn't do it for ya well be sure to ask for the drink of the day. Discover why we're all just so nice down here (cough we're all drunk cough). If small towns and tall tales are more your thing be sure to stop by the fabled land of Pecos and give resident country crooner Kristian a ring. The Republic of Texas On August 29, 2009 Texas has declared secession Independence from the mooslim government. Texas Education Creationism in Class Texans are devout Christains, and believe that the wisdom of the Baby Jesus should be taught in class EVERY SINGLE DAY. Suck it, Taxachusetts. Christian Education in the Classroom Texans get four classes a day, plus BBQ lunch. Class 1. How to idenify and shoot a mexican Class 2. How to watch football Lunch-Fried Mexicans and BBQ'ed BBQ Class 3. How to gaze in awe at the awesomness of The Greatest President Ever Class 4. How to use correct grammar. SO SUCK IT YOU MATH TAKING, SLANG TALKING SCHOLARS Jesus' Math 5 + 2 = Any number you want Slavery Never Existed The Will of the Free Marked Needed cheap labor so Real Americans went to Africa to get that free labor. We gave the black people free luxury cruise rides to America, free boarding and meals, and we even gave them Jesus so they could go to Heaven with us as our servants, and how they repay us? They Created the NAACP and became Welfare Queens by demanding Civil Rights, which is code word for Affirmative Action! It was never the intention of plantation owners and the Cotton Industry to enslave other people hire foreigners if they have known that many Real Americans were willing to take those jubs. It was an accidental mistake! The Civil War: The War Against Slavery State Rights That's right folks, the people from the NAACP are at it again with their libural agenda and reverse racism! The Real Reason Lincoln went to war with Real Americans was because he was a tyrannical hippie who wanted to liberate the black people to give them the vote oppress good folks like Southerner Christians Civil Rights Two Words: Affirmative Action, just another form of Reverse Racism! New History Book Texas has approved their new history books, with none of that bias liberal facts! *Texas new educashunal books are already on sale! 100% libural free! *Thomas Jefferson Fathered an Illegitimate Black Baby! John Calvin wrote the Declaration of Independence! Texas Defeats Socialized Medicine: No More Medicaid! News that Texan Republicans will outlaw Socialized Medicine came as welcoming news to Tea Baggers. The abolishment of Medicaid will help Texas to save a ton of money while the free market can take care of Texans' health for the low low low price of an arm and a leg. Cheap! Many Republicans are already suggesting eliminating Social Security other entitlement programs to stimulate the economy. Texas Landmarks *Cowboys Stadium (that billion dollar one) *the alamo but i forgot about what happened there, but it has a great basement. Ask to see it the next time you're there *cowboys! every one in texas is a cowboy! complete with boots, six-shooters, and horses. *Steers vs. Queers exhibit * the city of Frankford: one of the few cities in Merka that is trapped under Sharia Law Famous Texans Being the most famous state in the union, Texas would then, of course, be the birth place of many famous persons. Probably the most famous among the Texans would be the Lord almighty himself. Yes, God is a proud Redneck and if you have any doubts what so ever of the validity of this statement, you need to ask yourself why you hate America so much. The B-list celebrities from Texas (B-list compared to God...duh!) includes everyone who you have ever seen on television with the exception of Micha Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and the Koolaid Man. Those are Californian screwups. And as you know, Texans make no mistakes, except for the time the Dallas Cowboys lost to the San Diego Chargers. A Typical Day in Texas wake up, wake the kids, send the kids to school on their horses shoot a Mexican hipster, kill some bandits who are trying to steal your steers, ride to town on your horse, eat BBQ, shoot more hipsters, watch walker texas ranger, eat lunch, watch cowboys game,shoot the bandits who try to steal your steers, execute someone, pick kids up from school, eat BBq for dinner, go to dance hall square dancing (Texans do the Texas two step, they don't squaredance), shoot a hippy, watch the colbert report, shoot something, take a bath in oil, and go to bed. (For some reason it is assumed that Texans shoot Mexicans, rather than socialists or hipsters, but that's a myth perpetuated by northeastern hipsters who haven't learned how to look up ethnicity rates in the U.S. Census website. More Texans have Mexican ancentry, than any other state, after all). now repeat. Funny Texas Laws * If it's bigger, its better. (Passed by state legislature in 1950) * The number of country songs which mention Texas must outnumber the ones that don't or state taxes will double. (Passed in 1999) * Football is king. (1980) * Talking slower allows you to drive 5 miles above the speed limit. (1965) * Truck nuts are mandatory on all diesel trucks. (1999) * All illegal Mexicans are required to wear a sombrero in public. (1989) * Chuck Norris's hands and feet are allowed near the President only if they are clearing brush. * Rape is now Legal! (2011) sshhh... not yet my precious, not yet... STATE EMERGENCY Threat Level: RED *TEXAS IS TURNING INTO A LIBURAL PARADISE! *Libural newspaper harassing Rick Perry on criminal cover up *Mexico Declares War on Texas! *The Texas Government has declare of Christian Emergency, we have reports that the joos are trying to infiltrate our government to destroy it. It is nothing against the joos, is just that everyone knows that joowish people are not Real Americans therefore they cant do a good job to represent our Christian Nation. *We can do it! See Also *California - Mexico's Canada *Massachusetts - LAME city *The Lone Star Republic a.k.a. Anti-France External Links *Charitable Organizations in *Texas: We are so tough, even our children are law-breakers *Texas: Democrat free since forever! *Republicans demand new bill to reflect democratic pro-american republican values *New Texas' school books will teach the glory of our Lord and Savior!!! *Liburals reject Texas' new history books *Texas luves their new christian books *Terrorists attacks Texas! Threat Level: Red! *Weird local man to run as democratic governor... *Crazy man to join Democratic Party *Texas School saves children from communist mooslim *Hippies undermining Texas' Death Penalty tradition *Texas to continue to execute un-american traitors *Texas worries that liburals will destroy honorary tradition of killing prisoners *Emergency News: Texas overrun with hippies! *Texas goes hippie but promises to kill all wild life *Texas saves Heterosexual Marriage by banning all marriages *Texas to hunt down liburals for obstruction of justice *Texas' New Edukashunal Book to become a Best Seller!! *Texas to win culture war *Texas outlaws Spanish. GOP releases Video in Spanish telling Latinos to learn English *Texas Outlaws Text Books: Too Expensive and Libural *Texas to Cleanse State of Sexual Deviants to Stop Gay Threat: GOP to Establish New Sekret Lesbian Bondage Club Soon *Texas to trademark The Alamo *Texas Ejukashun in danger *You can do it, Texas! *Texas discovers the Holy Grail of beer!!!!! *Texas to change to new flag! *The End of Newspaper Era: a Dream come true *Texas wins Death Penalty Award of the Year *Ghost of criminal wont go away *Texas demands proof of birth *Texas final solution against Terror Babies and Commie Babies *Texas refuses to give free money to Welfare Queen. Get a jub you thief! *Texas to use anti-mexican landmines to protect America *Texas to legalize rape kits sales! Think of the profits!! *Wildfires are great for free market firefighting! *Prayer Rally dwarfed by crowd of Welfare Queens seeking free stuff. Prayer is free too! *Shameful welfare queens now want free cool air *Texas, a tax free capitalist paradise. Already exporting poor people to other states. *Texas gets a D--!! *Texas at the forefront of Free Market Edjukashun *Texas for 2012